Children and life..

SO this is just gonna be a bunch of random thoughts I wanted to get out of my head... enjoy.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about parenting, being a parent, being a child and how we are suppose to co mingle for long periods of time.. Sometimes it seems imp

ossible, overwhelming, and downright exhausting. Benjamin is great; he is so inquisitive and too smart. He doesn’t talk much but he is extremely smart. He’s really funny to and he is very deter

mined. He has to have a hug, a kiss,

a knuckle bump and a high five from everyone in the house before he can leave or go to sleep. Yesterday at Chuck E. Cheese he was very determined to get a knuckle bump from Chuck, he wouldn’t walk away without one. Anyways.. I am a firm believer in schedules and boundaries for babies and toddlers… I would be so lost without the schedule that Benjamin follows but man if he misses a nap hell breaks loose. Yesterday the party at Chuck E Cheese started exactly at the time Benjamin goes down for a nap and he didn’t sleep very good the night before so he was already a little cranky but man on man as the day went on he got CRANKIER and CRANKIER... it’s extremely overwhelming and what’s sad is I understand those women that lose it… you know the moms that loose there cool and shit happens.. I would never dream of hurting Benjamin and I have a lot of self control so I know I would never but man do I understand those feelings. But it wasn’t really his fault you know I knew he should have had a nap but I didn’t make him so he and I both suffered. Poor guy..

Anyways this topic of feelings overwhelm and despair got to thinking of what is the right course of action… hitting, spanking, yelling, ignoring, soothing, holding like what do you do when you get so emotional about the behaviors of your children… I don’t agree with hitting or spanking I feel it is so damaging to the child… you can’t control you and your emotions so you have to lash out in physical harm. No matter what age of the child I don’t feel physical harm is the right course of action. Its demeaning and it’s not the child’s fault they are getting harmed, they didn’t make you hit them… there could have been another repercussion that happened, grounding, taking things away, time out, chores.. You know. Now I am no expert on the subject I just know I would never want Benjamin to think I would harm him out of anger.

"Infliction of pain or discomfort, however minor, is not a desirable method of communicating with children."

Anyways on happier note I got new court date… hopefully things will go better this time its within the next couple months I don’t really want to say when. But I am actually really hoping things go better in mediation this time I pretty much spelled things out as specific as I could to get Scott and the Judge to see what I feel is the best for Benjamin… I just hope Scott will actually look at what is best and not his ego.

Soooo, Benjamin’s birthday is so soon April 24^th which also happens to be Easter.. that makes me sad because I want him to have his own day to celebrate his life.. I think what I am gonna do is have Easter basket in the morning and presents and cake and what not in the evening.. I don’t see us having a party since he doesn’t have any friends except his cousins who of course will come over cake and ice cream. I made him a quite book.. well I still have some touch ups to do but I think I will save it for his birthday and get him a little traveling toddler backpack so he can have his own stuff on the plane rides.

If I have a monument in this world, it is my son

I have a couple prospective job opportunities with Sears and Macy’s which I will be interviewing for this coming weeks. So Hopefully I get something soon so I can stop being a bum and have a little income.

Just some random thoughts I thought I would share with the world…

Post 2. A picture of yourself and the person you've been closest to the longest.

Stranger Danger and Medicating Kids

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So yesterday I had the treat of flying with Benjamin in an airplane.. Something that he finds so fascinating! We were about 45 minutes early (Thanks Dad for taking us!) so we were able to watch the other BIG PLANES land and unload suitcase. Benjamin loved watching out the window he was so amazed by the plane and the people. It was really fun to watch and talk with him about everything going on. he was really good on the plane until it was time to actually get off then he wanted to sit in his chair with his seat belt on... it wasn't a full flight so we had the whole row to ourselves which was nice. He made friends with the guy sitting in front of us who let Benjamin read Jack and the Beanstalk on his Ipad... its really amazing to me the difference in responses Benjamin gets. Some people are welcoming and nice to him and others are appalled and irritated. I hope when I get old I don't get mean and nasty toward babies... Josh was waiting for us when we got off the plane and Benjamin could not have been happier to see him. He ran his crooked run with a huge smile on his face.. two peas in a pod those boys are...

Anyways....
So I had to give Benji to Scott for two weeks.. Scott wasn't even at the airport to pick Benjamin up, hes so pathetic.. His sister in law was there to get Benji and he didn't even look like he knew who she was.. It was an awful feeling to give my baby to someone he doesn't even know and I have no control over it.. Its not fair!! I understand that the judge and the justice system is there for the people.. But I really don't think this judge made a sound decision when deciding that my child should be away from his mother who he has been with his whole life for two weeks at a time and to a dad that wont give him the time a day let alone take responsibility for him.. AND at my expense. I don't know how I am going to survive this next couple months.. I have been to two malls and I have asked every store if they were hiring and only about 5 of them are and its only for part time.. How can someone live off min. wage with part time hours and support another person and pay for stupid fucking flights... I have an appointment to try and get things figured out so I know what my next step will be in fighting this insanity.. hopefully it goes well and is cheap enough.. what am i suppose to do the next two weeks with out my Benjamin.. I have school work to do but that's boring... I want to play and learn and be a mom but now I have nothing...

Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.

So lets talk about something for a second... I am taking a class called the exceptional learner which educates me on how you might deal with a classroom full of disabled children from mental disabilities to learning and behavioral disorders. My assignment for this last week was to write a paper about the controversy of medicating children for ADHD... well it is said that there are over 6 million children in America that is on medication for behavioral disorders.. THIS IS CRAZY!! I am so torn because I watched a frontline about 4 different kids ages from 3 1/2 to 12 that were diagnosed and medicated.. some had good outcomes and others didn't. I don't agree that you can diagnose a 3 1/2 year old with a learning disability and stick them on medication, that is ludicrous to me. I feel that ADHD is a real thing and children have this problem but I don't agree that there are 6 million children!! America is the only country that really deals with behavioral medication WHY IS THAT???? because were fat slobs and we think that medication can cure everything. UGH is so sicking.. back in the 50's and 60's they didn't have this crap going on but then again America was a lot nicer and healthier and stable... now were fast food kings with huge beer guts that play into the drug company's... Now i am not trying to sound all hippish but this is a real problem.. to much is going on and our children and our future is suffering.. to many action packed videos that over stimulate the brain, not enough outside play.. too many happy meals not enough home cooked meals... to many divorces not enough stay at home moms or dads... our poor children and it makes me even sadder to think that I put Benjamin an innocent by standard in this predicament.. All i can do is be the best mom I can be and love him and teach him. I also feel that medicating our children gives us as parents and them as children the easy way out. You tell your 8 year old they have a disorder they will use that shit to their full advantage.. People need to be accountable for their actions and there needs to be appropriate consequences... Anyways I'm interested to see what other people think..



This will be the close of my blog for now but I am gonna start doing this thing I found on FB a picture for 30 days except mine will be a picture for 30 post bc I don't have enough in my life to post a blog for the next 30 days LOL...

1 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

1. I am 5 foot 4
2. I love Green beans and broccoli
3. I suck at walking in high heels but I love em
4. I break every computer and phone I own
5. According to josh I fart like a dude
6. I can remember song lyrics to about every song I have ever heard
7. I'm scared of the dark so I sleep with the TV on
8. I am a kleptomaniac
9. I have terrible anxiety about everything
10. I fell in love once
11. I never clip my finger or toe nails I always just rip them off
12. I still remember all my times table
13. I love chap stick
14. Benjamin is the smartest kid I know
15. I feel naked when I don't have a hair tie on my wrist.

LOVE, hate and everything in between

Love and Other Drugs......

Everything... I love the mental challenge... Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love.. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.

My last post was Jan 2010 and now its Feb 2011.. I am really bad at this but I will try and keep up this year... well at least this month.
So much has happened just today let alone the last year... where do I even begin....

Lets start with Benjamin..

He is almost 2 I can't believe April will be his 2nd birthday... I can't believe I have a 2 year old so crazy.. He is about 32 pounds and 2 feet 6 inches. he sometimes goes to bed with out crying and usually sleeps a good 12 hours... its amazing. He loves Monster Inc and Clifford the Big Red Dog. He would rather color with a pen then crayons and when he does have crayons he prefers the table top to paper.. He loves pasta, tomato's, shrimp, salsa, dried fruit and MILK.. that kid drinks so much milk but I guess that's better then what some kids drink on a regular basis. He is really chill and really funny. He also screams REALLLLLLLY loud and I sometimes wish I could take his voice box out or at least use duct tape.. :)

You can learn many things from a child, how much patience you have for instance!

Scott and I are still battling it out. We have been to court 4 times and I am now in the process of number 5.. Its ridiculous the outcome of our last court hearing.. I was simply asking for permission to move back to Sacramento and to have Scott granted every other weekend visitation which isn't to far off form what we had originally set up( the original agreement would give him 3 weekends) However the Judge decided that Scott the deadbeat that he is should be granted 50% custody at my expense.. the visitation is now 2 weeks with each parent at my expense.. which is totally unfair considering I was granted permission to move because I have ZERO money but she is going to make me pay all cost for visitation. PLUS take time away from me who has always been primary custodial parent and make my son pretty much move every two weeks and fly on a plane twice a month... UGHHHH its so aggravating.. I am constantly getting screwed over by Scott and LA court... SO I am trying to appeal it and hopefully get things somewhat worked out so I am not constantly getting fucked over. Even though Scott has more than he ever wanted and doesn't have to incur any financial responsibility for Benjamin other than is measly 170 a month in child support he still has the audacity to complain and bitch to me when I cant fully accommodate his schedule when I am tyring to buy plane tickets... Sorry I have no control over what time the planes take off..

Don't find the time to cry for me, Don't find the words to speak for me, Don't find the nerve to feel for me just get the FUCK away from me!

The rest of my life is good.. living back at my parents is not where I expected my life to be.. I sometimes wonder how my life got to be so complicated and it all started with moving to LA in 2007... bad idea!! anyways.. i want to try and keep things updated and written down so maybe one day my life might be interesting enough for a movie :)

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word I am saying!!

Hair cuts, love, and Joy.

So its been a long while since I last posted something... I plan on keep more up to date with this whole blogging idea...

the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive, don't listen to 'em when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool to believe you can change the world

Lets see where to begin.. I guess I should begin with whats weighing on my mind the most.... the most recent events with Scott pertaining to Benjamin. Scott cut his hair yesterday, Sunday Jan 10th 2010. He didn't even bother to call me and let me know that he was going to cut off his beautiful wild, curly hair. Now this hair cut business wouldn't be so bad if it was like the 12th hair cut Benjamin has ever had but it was the first hair cut ever in the history of Benjamin, and he cut it ALL off. The worst part of the whole story is I specifically told Scott that I was not ready to cut his hair yet but i wouldn't mind trimming it so it wasn't in his eyes. The curly hair he got from my dad and I thought it was cute how it separated him from the other babies. I had gotten so many compliments on his wild hair, I loved it.

My body made this beautiful baby, I made that hair and I have been apart of this child's life for last 516 days and for Scott to go and ruin what should have been a special moment in his life and take that experience away from me is absurd and absolutely ridiculous. Now Benjamin is going to have a blank page in his scrapbook because I dont have that moment. And the worst part is I could have and should have been involved in that experience. He chose not to involve me, Scott chose to leave me out even when he knew for a fact that I was not ready to cut his hair and that I wanted to be apart of it.

Ok so enough about that... Benjamin is such a Joy to have. One thing I absolutely love about Benjamin is hes determined. He doesnt get upset when he cant do something or reach something, he just keeps trying. I really hope that stay in his personality. Also i think its funny that the site of a bottle makes him crazy, he seriously almost hyperventilates. That boy loves to eat. Also his laugh is so awesome!!! OH AND HES CRAWLING NOW. world watch out here comes Benjipants. he just started crawling and he is already so over it and wants to go straight to standing and walking. He's very determined to get this done.

"Children make you want to start life over." ~Muhammad Ali

Its amazing to me how much love this little person has in his life.. I cant even count with my fingers and toes how many people just love and adore him. Hes gonna be so spoiled, But hopefully I will be able to teach him to be a good person while enjoying being spoiled.

So... what else is going on with me.... I'm a full time student with University of Phoenix... they allow you to take two classes at a time that are nine weeks long. I'm currently in my second round of classes. I'm taking a computer and English class. I enjoy being back in school but its so easy for me not to care and still get good grades. I don't have to try hard to get an A on my assignments so I don't try and i generally don't learn anything... I'm hoping as I go and get into more core classes I will develop some sort of want and care towards school.

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it.

Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces.

Smell the rain, and feel the wind.

Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

My job is good some days and really bad other days... I hope to stick it out as long as I possibly can. I really just want to get out of LA but now I have no chance in leaving permanently for a while considering I kinda sorta am in love with this boy.

SO being a single mom is tough work... juggling a full time job where I'm in a no win situation, dealing with Benjamin's father that does just enough to get by, trying to start a new life with a incredible man, going to school, and still try and find time for myself. its incredibly exhausting yet fulling and rewarding.. well most of it and most of the time LOL.

Lets talk about Scott for just a quick second, I know I already mentioned the hair cut thing but lets talk about the reality of Scott.. Babycenter.com is one of my favorite sites when I am research tips and ideas pertaining to Benjamin... well they have a calculator that can tell you what the average money you could possibly spend on having a baby... To raise Benjamin and send him to a public College it will cost me $187,408 over a span of 18 years and theres 12 months each year, it will cost me about 800 a month to raise Benjamin. Scott contributes $150 a month and expects me to pick up the rest of that just because I work harder then he does and I make more money for the time being... In my opinion its not fair.. If I was that selfish Benjamin would not have everything he needs to survive. Another thing is the habits that I am trying to teach Benjamin to have pertaining to sleep,eating, and play time Scott doesn't follow through on what I have told him I am trying to do with him. I do 5 days of a schedule and its blown by the 2 days he's with Scott which is not fair to Benjamin and will be detrimental in the long run. Its not fair to put Benjamin in that position.. In my personal opinion it screws with him. Also in my personal opinion I don't think Scott is mentally and emotionally ready for this kinda of commitment, he refuses to do research on the subjects at hand, and I know this because if he did do the research he would realize what I am trying to do for Benjamin is the right thing and he would stop trying to fight me on it. I am more then willing to listen to his opinions on the matter at hand as long as they are educated opinions and not just what his mom thinks is best. I feel like Scott has this sense of entitlement towards Benjamin and wants the title of DADDY but hes not willing to take full responsibility for his life. I want whats best for Benjamin and I want him to be independent and a good person.. Scott undermining me will not teach Benjamin to be either of those things.

Some days are better then others but the people that matter make it worth it.

Good night.

You could drive a person crazy.

So Benjamin and I made it to Los Angeles safely. We got in at 4 am Sunday morning. We did still manage to make it to sacrament meeting.
Any who its been an interesting couple days Scott came over yesterday to see Benjamin. So when it comes to Scott I feel like he doesn't really listen to me when I talk to him about things so yesterday I felt he needed to learn how to be a dad on his own. I asked him to give Benjamin a bath and I suggested the bath tub.. Scott suggested the kitchen sink. I knew the sink would not work out but I let Scott learn that on his own. So I cleaned the sink out and filled it with water.. he gets Benjamin undressed and puts him in the water baby cries.. He cries because only half his body is in the water so hes cold. So I fill the bath tub with water and the bath from then on goes smoothly. After the bath Scott puts the diaper on backwards.. I thought it was funny but in Scott's defense I don't think he has ever put a diaper on before or given a baby a bath.. To most women its just common sense or an instinct when it comes to our children but with men I think its something they learn how to do..

Formula is seriously my best friend right now. When I was only doing Breast milk I was pumping every two hours and I felt like I wasn't making enough milk because he was so cranky and hungry all the time. Now that I do breast milk and formula hes happy and content. And now I'm not a 2 hour time frame.

We just spent two days at Disneyland with my Uncle Carl and his family. It was so much fun. When he was awake Benjamin was soo good. He just sat and watched everything around him. Aunt Susan and Uncle Carl just loved Benjamin, they would take him so I could go on the rides with the boys.

Jett and Jade came back from camp yesterday so now I have to actually work. The next few weeks are gonna a little hectic.

The last two months

Benjamin came into my life on April 24th 2009. He was born at Kaiser in Roseville Ca at 5:47am. He was 6 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long.

Funny story- I had the Missionaries over for a lesson and my water broke.. I was sitting there listing to Elder Pond talk, when it felt like I was peeing my pants I tried to contract the muscle that stops your pee but it wouldn't stop coming out. So I ran up stairs and yelled for my mom. She told me to push on my stomach and see if more water keeps coming out. Sure enough it wouldn't stop so my mom confirmed what i thought was happening and she said we had to get to the hospital.. I yelled, "I cant go to the hospital I'm not ready to have the baby!" luckily Brit was there to help me get stuff together.. My dad and the missionaries gave me a blessing to help put my mind and heart at ease. Finally we were on our way to the hospital. I sent out a massive text to anyone i thought would care lol. The Missionaries later told me that they put my water breaking story in there journals and letters home that week.LOL.

When i finally got to the hospital the nurse asked me why i was there and i said hello I'm having a baby. DUH. So lets see my water broke at 7pm, contractions started at 9pm, epidural at 130am and Benjamin finally graced us with his presence at 5:47am. Gma Turley and Mom were up front and personal helping cheer me on. Shelby and Brit were more on the side lines cheering me on. Terri, Lauren, Kelley, and Scott were out in the waiting room the whole time.

I was in the hospital Thursday- Sunday, They wouldn't let me leave because i had to have a catheter the whole time cause i was so swollen (gross!) I didn't take a shower until Sunday but since it was so long since i had one it was probably the best 12 minutes of the last couple days.

Mom Stayed 90% of the time with me in the Hospital which was great she was a HUGE help. Amanda also drove up right away from Los Angeles so she could meet her new favorite nephew. Amanda went to a lot of the doctor apts and saw little baby kicking and his heart beat so she loved him from the start.

So finally we get home.. the next couple weeks were a blur... Nursing is NOT easy. Let me tell you. I saw 4 different lactation consultants, I bought a boppie and my breast friend (nursing pillows), I tried all diffrerent positions and he just wouldnt latch on.. so he would cry and I would cry it was awful. Pumping is ALOT easier. Luckily now he will nurse.

Everywhere i went all i heard was OMG he has so much hair.. Seriously everyone and there mother would say that to me, And they still do. Living back at home with my parents is different. Its a big help to live in a house full of people..

Baby Blessing- It was beautiful. My dad performed the blessing, the missionaries, the gpa's, uncle Seth, Jordon and Paul were in the circle. I of course cried. We had a party after at my parents house. My Mom put a lot of time and effort into the food and it was delicious!!

Anyways- I decided to get Benjamin Vaccinated with only the DTaP shot. That is the one that I feel he needs right away the other ones can wait until hes older. As you can see it set up alot of controversy on FB. Its funny what people think they know. I did research, as well as talk to moms who have done vacs and have not done vacs. To each is own right. Possibly before he goes to school he will get the other ones.

I need to go to bed now but I plan on writing another blog about the other men in my life.... Benjamin and I are moving to Los Angeles in a couple days ill keep you guys updated.. Sorry for the random ness of the blog.. after 12am I get delusional :) LOVE YOU AND GOOD NIGHT