Children and life..

SO this is just gonna be a bunch of random thoughts I wanted to get out of my head... enjoy.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about parenting, being a parent, being a child and how we are suppose to co mingle for long periods of time.. Sometimes it seems imp

ossible, overwhelming, and downright exhausting. Benjamin is great; he is so inquisitive and too smart. He doesn’t talk much but he is extremely smart. He’s really funny to and he is very deter

mined. He has to have a hug, a kiss,

a knuckle bump and a high five from everyone in the house before he can leave or go to sleep. Yesterday at Chuck E. Cheese he was very determined to get a knuckle bump from Chuck, he wouldn’t walk away without one. Anyways.. I am a firm believer in schedules and boundaries for babies and toddlers… I would be so lost without the schedule that Benjamin follows but man if he misses a nap hell breaks loose. Yesterday the party at Chuck E Cheese started exactly at the time Benjamin goes down for a nap and he didn’t sleep very good the night before so he was already a little cranky but man on man as the day went on he got CRANKIER and CRANKIER... it’s extremely overwhelming and what’s sad is I understand those women that lose it… you know the moms that loose there cool and shit happens.. I would never dream of hurting Benjamin and I have a lot of self control so I know I would never but man do I understand those feelings. But it wasn’t really his fault you know I knew he should have had a nap but I didn’t make him so he and I both suffered. Poor guy..

Anyways this topic of feelings overwhelm and despair got to thinking of what is the right course of action… hitting, spanking, yelling, ignoring, soothing, holding like what do you do when you get so emotional about the behaviors of your children… I don’t agree with hitting or spanking I feel it is so damaging to the child… you can’t control you and your emotions so you have to lash out in physical harm. No matter what age of the child I don’t feel physical harm is the right course of action. Its demeaning and it’s not the child’s fault they are getting harmed, they didn’t make you hit them… there could have been another repercussion that happened, grounding, taking things away, time out, chores.. You know. Now I am no expert on the subject I just know I would never want Benjamin to think I would harm him out of anger.

"Infliction of pain or discomfort, however minor, is not a desirable method of communicating with children."

Anyways on happier note I got new court date… hopefully things will go better this time its within the next couple months I don’t really want to say when. But I am actually really hoping things go better in mediation this time I pretty much spelled things out as specific as I could to get Scott and the Judge to see what I feel is the best for Benjamin… I just hope Scott will actually look at what is best and not his ego.

Soooo, Benjamin’s birthday is so soon April 24^th which also happens to be Easter.. that makes me sad because I want him to have his own day to celebrate his life.. I think what I am gonna do is have Easter basket in the morning and presents and cake and what not in the evening.. I don’t see us having a party since he doesn’t have any friends except his cousins who of course will come over cake and ice cream. I made him a quite book.. well I still have some touch ups to do but I think I will save it for his birthday and get him a little traveling toddler backpack so he can have his own stuff on the plane rides.

If I have a monument in this world, it is my son

I have a couple prospective job opportunities with Sears and Macy’s which I will be interviewing for this coming weeks. So Hopefully I get something soon so I can stop being a bum and have a little income.

Just some random thoughts I thought I would share with the world…

Post 2. A picture of yourself and the person you've been closest to the longest.

Stranger Danger and Medicating Kids

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So yesterday I had the treat of flying with Benjamin in an airplane.. Something that he finds so fascinating! We were about 45 minutes early (Thanks Dad for taking us!) so we were able to watch the other BIG PLANES land and unload suitcase. Benjamin loved watching out the window he was so amazed by the plane and the people. It was really fun to watch and talk with him about everything going on. he was really good on the plane until it was time to actually get off then he wanted to sit in his chair with his seat belt on... it wasn't a full flight so we had the whole row to ourselves which was nice. He made friends with the guy sitting in front of us who let Benjamin read Jack and the Beanstalk on his Ipad... its really amazing to me the difference in responses Benjamin gets. Some people are welcoming and nice to him and others are appalled and irritated. I hope when I get old I don't get mean and nasty toward babies... Josh was waiting for us when we got off the plane and Benjamin could not have been happier to see him. He ran his crooked run with a huge smile on his face.. two peas in a pod those boys are...

Anyways....
So I had to give Benji to Scott for two weeks.. Scott wasn't even at the airport to pick Benjamin up, hes so pathetic.. His sister in law was there to get Benji and he didn't even look like he knew who she was.. It was an awful feeling to give my baby to someone he doesn't even know and I have no control over it.. Its not fair!! I understand that the judge and the justice system is there for the people.. But I really don't think this judge made a sound decision when deciding that my child should be away from his mother who he has been with his whole life for two weeks at a time and to a dad that wont give him the time a day let alone take responsibility for him.. AND at my expense. I don't know how I am going to survive this next couple months.. I have been to two malls and I have asked every store if they were hiring and only about 5 of them are and its only for part time.. How can someone live off min. wage with part time hours and support another person and pay for stupid fucking flights... I have an appointment to try and get things figured out so I know what my next step will be in fighting this insanity.. hopefully it goes well and is cheap enough.. what am i suppose to do the next two weeks with out my Benjamin.. I have school work to do but that's boring... I want to play and learn and be a mom but now I have nothing...

Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.

So lets talk about something for a second... I am taking a class called the exceptional learner which educates me on how you might deal with a classroom full of disabled children from mental disabilities to learning and behavioral disorders. My assignment for this last week was to write a paper about the controversy of medicating children for ADHD... well it is said that there are over 6 million children in America that is on medication for behavioral disorders.. THIS IS CRAZY!! I am so torn because I watched a frontline about 4 different kids ages from 3 1/2 to 12 that were diagnosed and medicated.. some had good outcomes and others didn't. I don't agree that you can diagnose a 3 1/2 year old with a learning disability and stick them on medication, that is ludicrous to me. I feel that ADHD is a real thing and children have this problem but I don't agree that there are 6 million children!! America is the only country that really deals with behavioral medication WHY IS THAT???? because were fat slobs and we think that medication can cure everything. UGH is so sicking.. back in the 50's and 60's they didn't have this crap going on but then again America was a lot nicer and healthier and stable... now were fast food kings with huge beer guts that play into the drug company's... Now i am not trying to sound all hippish but this is a real problem.. to much is going on and our children and our future is suffering.. to many action packed videos that over stimulate the brain, not enough outside play.. too many happy meals not enough home cooked meals... to many divorces not enough stay at home moms or dads... our poor children and it makes me even sadder to think that I put Benjamin an innocent by standard in this predicament.. All i can do is be the best mom I can be and love him and teach him. I also feel that medicating our children gives us as parents and them as children the easy way out. You tell your 8 year old they have a disorder they will use that shit to their full advantage.. People need to be accountable for their actions and there needs to be appropriate consequences... Anyways I'm interested to see what other people think..



This will be the close of my blog for now but I am gonna start doing this thing I found on FB a picture for 30 days except mine will be a picture for 30 post bc I don't have enough in my life to post a blog for the next 30 days LOL...

1 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

1. I am 5 foot 4
2. I love Green beans and broccoli
3. I suck at walking in high heels but I love em
4. I break every computer and phone I own
5. According to josh I fart like a dude
6. I can remember song lyrics to about every song I have ever heard
7. I'm scared of the dark so I sleep with the TV on
8. I am a kleptomaniac
9. I have terrible anxiety about everything
10. I fell in love once
11. I never clip my finger or toe nails I always just rip them off
12. I still remember all my times table
13. I love chap stick
14. Benjamin is the smartest kid I know
15. I feel naked when I don't have a hair tie on my wrist.

LOVE, hate and everything in between

Love and Other Drugs......

Everything... I love the mental challenge... Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love.. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.

My last post was Jan 2010 and now its Feb 2011.. I am really bad at this but I will try and keep up this year... well at least this month.
So much has happened just today let alone the last year... where do I even begin....

Lets start with Benjamin..

He is almost 2 I can't believe April will be his 2nd birthday... I can't believe I have a 2 year old so crazy.. He is about 32 pounds and 2 feet 6 inches. he sometimes goes to bed with out crying and usually sleeps a good 12 hours... its amazing. He loves Monster Inc and Clifford the Big Red Dog. He would rather color with a pen then crayons and when he does have crayons he prefers the table top to paper.. He loves pasta, tomato's, shrimp, salsa, dried fruit and MILK.. that kid drinks so much milk but I guess that's better then what some kids drink on a regular basis. He is really chill and really funny. He also screams REALLLLLLLY loud and I sometimes wish I could take his voice box out or at least use duct tape.. :)

You can learn many things from a child, how much patience you have for instance!

Scott and I are still battling it out. We have been to court 4 times and I am now in the process of number 5.. Its ridiculous the outcome of our last court hearing.. I was simply asking for permission to move back to Sacramento and to have Scott granted every other weekend visitation which isn't to far off form what we had originally set up( the original agreement would give him 3 weekends) However the Judge decided that Scott the deadbeat that he is should be granted 50% custody at my expense.. the visitation is now 2 weeks with each parent at my expense.. which is totally unfair considering I was granted permission to move because I have ZERO money but she is going to make me pay all cost for visitation. PLUS take time away from me who has always been primary custodial parent and make my son pretty much move every two weeks and fly on a plane twice a month... UGHHHH its so aggravating.. I am constantly getting screwed over by Scott and LA court... SO I am trying to appeal it and hopefully get things somewhat worked out so I am not constantly getting fucked over. Even though Scott has more than he ever wanted and doesn't have to incur any financial responsibility for Benjamin other than is measly 170 a month in child support he still has the audacity to complain and bitch to me when I cant fully accommodate his schedule when I am tyring to buy plane tickets... Sorry I have no control over what time the planes take off..

Don't find the time to cry for me, Don't find the words to speak for me, Don't find the nerve to feel for me just get the FUCK away from me!

The rest of my life is good.. living back at my parents is not where I expected my life to be.. I sometimes wonder how my life got to be so complicated and it all started with moving to LA in 2007... bad idea!! anyways.. i want to try and keep things updated and written down so maybe one day my life might be interesting enough for a movie :)

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word I am saying!!