the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive, don't listen to 'em when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool to believe you can change the world
Love is alive, don't listen to 'em when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool to believe you can change the world
Lets see where to begin.. I guess I should begin with whats weighing on my mind the most.... the most recent events with Scott pertaining to Benjamin. Scott cut his hair yesterday, Sunday Jan 10th 2010. He didn't even bother to call me and let me know that he was going to cut off his beautiful wild, curly hair. Now this hair cut business wouldn't be so bad if it was like the 12th hair cut Benjamin has ever had but it was the first hair cut ever in the history of Benjamin, and he cut it ALL off. The worst part of the whole story is I specifically told Scott that I was not ready to cut his hair yet but i wouldn't mind trimming it so it wasn't in his eyes. The curly hair he got from my dad and I thought it was cute how it separated him from the other babies. I had gotten so many compliments on his wild hair, I loved it.
My body made this beautiful baby, I made that hair and I have been apart of this child's life for last 516 days and for Scott to go and ruin what should have been a special moment in his life and take that experience away from me is absurd and absolutely ridiculous. Now Benjamin is going to have a blank page in his scrapbook because I dont have that moment. And the worst part is I could have and should have been involved in that experience. He chose not to involve me, Scott chose to leave me out even when he knew for a fact that I was not ready to cut his hair and that I wanted to be apart of it.
Ok so enough about that... Benjamin is such a Joy to have. One thing I absolutely love about Benjamin is hes determined. He doesnt get upset when he cant do something or reach something, he just keeps trying. I really hope that stay in his personality. Also i think its funny that the site of a bottle makes him crazy, he seriously almost hyperventilates. That boy loves to eat. Also his laugh is so awesome!!! OH AND HES CRAWLING NOW. world watch out here comes Benjipants. he just started crawling and he is already so over it and wants to go straight to standing and walking. He's very determined to get this done.
"Children make you want to start life over." ~Muhammad Ali
Its amazing to me how much love this little person has in his life.. I cant even count with my fingers and toes how many people just love and adore him. Hes gonna be so spoiled, But hopefully I will be able to teach him to be a good person while enjoying being spoiled.
So... what else is going on with me.... I'm a full time student with University of Phoenix... they allow you to take two classes at a time that are nine weeks long. I'm currently in my second round of classes. I'm taking a computer and English class. I enjoy being back in school but its so easy for me not to care and still get good grades. I don't have to try hard to get an A on my assignments so I don't try and i generally don't learn anything... I'm hoping as I go and get into more core classes I will develop some sort of want and care towards school.
My job is good some days and really bad other days... I hope to stick it out as long as I possibly can. I really just want to get out of LA but now I have no chance in leaving permanently for a while considering I kinda sorta am in love with this boy.
SO being a single mom is tough work... juggling a full time job where I'm in a no win situation, dealing with Benjamin's father that does just enough to get by, trying to start a new life with a incredible man, going to school, and still try and find time for myself. its incredibly exhausting yet fulling and rewarding.. well most of it and most of the time LOL.
Lets talk about Scott for just a quick second, I know I already mentioned the hair cut thing but lets talk about the reality of Scott.. Babycenter.com is one of my favorite sites when I am research tips and ideas pertaining to Benjamin... well they have a calculator that can tell you what the average money you could possibly spend on having a baby... To raise Benjamin and send him to a public College it will cost me $187,408 over a span of 18 years and theres 12 months each year, it will cost me about 800 a month to raise Benjamin. Scott contributes $150 a month and expects me to pick up the rest of that just because I work harder then he does and I make more money for the time being... In my opinion its not fair.. If I was that selfish Benjamin would not have everything he needs to survive. Another thing is the habits that I am trying to teach Benjamin to have pertaining to sleep,eating, and play time Scott doesn't follow through on what I have told him I am trying to do with him. I do 5 days of a schedule and its blown by the 2 days he's with Scott which is not fair to Benjamin and will be detrimental in the long run. Its not fair to put Benjamin in that position.. In my personal opinion it screws with him. Also in my personal opinion I don't think Scott is mentally and emotionally ready for this kinda of commitment, he refuses to do research on the subjects at hand, and I know this because if he did do the research he would realize what I am trying to do for Benjamin is the right thing and he would stop trying to fight me on it. I am more then willing to listen to his opinions on the matter at hand as long as they are educated opinions and not just what his mom thinks is best. I feel like Scott has this sense of entitlement towards Benjamin and wants the title of DADDY but hes not willing to take full responsibility for his life. I want whats best for Benjamin and I want him to be independent and a good person.. Scott undermining me will not teach Benjamin to be either of those things.
Some days are better then others but the people that matter make it worth it.
Good night.
I'm sorry that Scott is undermining everything you're trying to instill in Benjamin. That's just wrong of him to mess with you and his son like that. You're doing a great job and he seems like such a happy little boy!
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